So no doubt SOMEONE has asked this question before, but is it really fair that only married people have to wear rings that signify their status?

For those of us who have not yet bought into the whole have-sex-with-the-same-person-for-the-rest-of-your-life=bliss phenomenon, there are many fine gradations of relationship status and/or emotional availability that remain completely invisible to us until we make fools of ourselves.

Here, forthwith, are a few other helpful accessories thatI suggest.

Married People - Yeah, keep your gold bands and stupid sparkly diamonds, ok? But do us a favor, WEAR your damn ring if you are married, OK? Unless, of course, you are a cute male rock star, in which case please take it off while you are on stage.

Recently Divorced People - A giant chain and padlock around your neck for which the key has been either temporarily misplaced or forever lost.

On the Rebound People - A string of Mardi Gras beads (which they can use to lasso their unsuspecting victims; however, if we are alerted to their status by the Mardi Gras beads, we won't be so unsuspecting, will we?).

Single but Emotionally Unavailable for Whatever Reason (pick one: I'm just not ready for a serious relationship; I have to get my life together before I can date anyone; I really need to focus on work right now ; I only like girls who aren't interested in me; I'm a manic-depressive, alcoholic, pot-smoking, as*hole) - A plastic tarantula ring from a bubble gum dispenser.

Completely 100% Emotionally Available, Just Like Me, No Issues, None Whatsoever: A choker with a bright red flower on it, wide open and in bloom. (In other words, the necklace I wear every day.)

I'm sure there is much that I'm missing here; please feel free to suggest your own status signifiers!

(Oh and I will be gallivanting about Boston and New York from October 29 through November 2, shaking hands and reveling in my status as soon-to-be-published-author girl so if you don't hear from me, that's why.)

XO
BB