Damn! No sooner do I make an attempt to do real work today - when everyone else is still in a food coma - then everything malfunctions. Or does something I don't understand. Or some window that I need disappears completely from my computer screen and I am much too tired to get up from my desk to find anyone who can help me - not that anyone is here, of course. Hmmph. That's what I get for my efforts to be a model employee.



I did, however, achieve the following:



1)Arrived promptly at the San Jose airport at 4:30 a.m., TWO hours before my flight back to Seattle, AS INSTRUCTED by all airport literature.



2)Wait until 5:10 a.m. for those lazy-a*s Alaska Airlines employees to get behind the counter and check me in. At least I am first in line, thereby avoiding the conflict that ensued on my way out of Seattle when I "cut" in line in front of a shrill and moronic couple who had been in line at LEAST ten minutes less than me - a conflict that might have escalated to violence had I not simply ignored their piercing accusations to all around us: HEY she CUT in FRONT of US! They finally sicced an Alaska Airlines employee on me - the same one who had "split" the line in two so that simpering, fat fools could unfairly move ahead, and when I told the airline employee my reason for "cutting," (i.e. I had been ahead of them when she split the line in two), they shrieked "LIAR!" at me, and I was summarily deported into the other line, which then proceeded to take at least another half an hour even though there were only two people in front of me.



3)Survived flight.



4)Screamed at a hapless mail-order pharmacy employee who told me they would not be able to mail me my next batch of of anti-depressants because I had received "two shipments" in October. HELLO? I so did NOT! After telling me repeatedly that she would not be able to send me another batch, I screamed at her "I don't care what happened; all I know is I NEED MY MEDICATIONS!" Clearly.



May you be as filled with the holiday spirit as I am!

I have the holiday doldrums! Yes, moi, for whom everything is going perfectly. You know, the one with the book contract, hot men wooing me with lavish gifts, and a sleek condo with views of the Puget Sound!



Not only that, I have this entire week off - paid! I am wearing an adorable pink blazer purchased with discretionary income from my generous salary, and am a size 4 (even a size 2, if I shop at Banana Republic)!



My life rocks.



Why, then, pray tell, do I feel like a gelatinous, jellyfish-like blob? (Despite being pumped to the gills with Happy Pills?)



The chaos, I believe, is getting to me. The change. The upheaval. All good, of course, or mostly: but my God. On the same day, one month ago, my condo closed and my book deal went through. Suddenly I had a mortgage and a deadline. A(nother) new relationship had just lifted off the runway for the most dangerous part of its flight.



And now? I'm just seasick on this sea of change, waiting to get my legs. Waiting for a moment again when I can appreciate my good fortune rather than feeling like I'm about to vomit.



With that, happy holidays, all! I'll be gone from December 23rd through December 28th (and much longer, of course, if my plane crashes), so posting even less than usual.



xo

BB

Well, darlings, all your adoration is much appreciated. Though I have to say I feel sorry for you newbies who joined the fun just when the fun went away and BB became all "family-friendly" and sh*t. Yeah, it's not as fun for me anymore either!



As for the NYT, they can -- well, I won't say anything impolite here because, of course, I don't want to alienate the New York Times. Niiccee NYT, c'mhere, c'mon...



Oh, whatever. Fame isn't everything, now is it?



One clever commenter suggested that I interview MYSELF and I thought that sounded like tons of fun, so here goes:



BB: So, BB: you earned your notoriety by writing about your love life. Aren't you afraid that you're going to lose fans now that you've decided to censor yourself?



BB: Hell, yeah. Even my best friends have told me how much "less interesting" the blog is now. Hmmph.



BB: Well, is there any way you could give us out here in cyberspace just a little hint of what is going on with your love life? I mean, are you dabbling in man-land, are you on the marriage track, are you staying celibate for the sake of Art?



BB: (Laughs. Tosses sexy bangs out of chocolate brown eyes.) It's true that I write better when I'm angst-ridden and h*rny. Right now I'd have to say I'm angst-ridden but NOT h*rny.



BB: (Interested.) Hmm. Can you say more?



BB: (Looks around the restaurant furtively. Takes a sip of expensive Syrah and lowers her voice.) Well. I -- (Starts to say something then stops. Looks around the restaurant again, then shakes her head ruefully.) No, I really can't. Unfortunately.



BB: Oh, come ON. For two years you dish like there's no tomorrow and now suddenly you get just a little bit "famous" and forget about us, the fans, who made you what you are. Who NEED TO KNOW! Listen, what if I ask you yes or no questions?



BB: Hmm. Maybe. (Stares into her glass of wine.)



BB: Would your "angst" have anything to do with that statement, buried in your comments a while back, that Library Boy asked you to get back together?



BB: (Grimaces.) Maybe.



BB: AHA! But you're still dating that longtime object of lust, Sexy Boy, are you not, with whom you immediately and impulsively got together after breaking up with Library Boy because 1)you'd liked him for so long and 2)you didn't want to feel the broken heart you knew you were going to feel about LB?



BB: (Hangs head). Maybe.



BB: But you're confused, are you not? Things are perhaps not going exactly as you planned are they, and this offer from Library Boy has thrown you into a bit of a tizzy, has it NOT?



BB: (Quietly. Not making eye contact.) Yes.



BB: (Gleefully). Aha! So -



BB: (Snappishly). OK - interview's over!



BB: But --



BB: Hey, I have a book to write OK? (Stands up suddenly, nearly knocking wine over. She is dressed, as always, in the most stylish of thrift shop clothing, striped beret atop her head, red lipstick perfectly applied.) If you'll excuse me, I have to go meet with Jake Gyllenhaal now - he's been pestering me for some face-time to try to get an audition for the movie. (More cheerily now). Later, all!

Oh NO! It's OVER! Blogger has dropped the link from its front page, and my hits have dropped precipitously and I was even going to be in a New York Times article about bloggers who got book deals (or some such fluff), and they "dropped" me due to "lack of space."



Waaahhhh! That's right - yours truly was ready to go public. Ready for my coworkers to read about my sex romps, ready for the men of my past to weep and sue, ready to come clean with a picture and everything!



Imagine the thrill yesterday when I get a call from the Times Photo Desk asking me if I want to get my picture taken today. DO I WANT TO GET MY PICTURE TAKEN TODAY? Do birds fly? Does Bush lie! YES OF COURSE I WANT MY PICTURE TAKEN FOR THE NEW YORK TIMES!



But the photo shoot never happens because I am summarily deleted. HMMPH. All I can say is that those other flash-in-the-pan bloggers better watch the f*ck out, because when I finally do break onto the scene, they're gonna have to run with their little books and hide! Who is more camera-ready, more charmant, more ready to be presented to an adoring public than BB? No one I tell you.



WHATEVER. I have a book deal and no one can take that away from me. Except, er, of course, my publisher. But let's not think about that.



Meanwhile, as my celebrity slowly ebbs away, as my readership shrinks back down to the faithful few, know this: I am working hard on that book. And it is going to be GOOD.

Ouch! The archive scrub has begun! The original breakup of Breakup Babe is slowly but surely disappearing. (But many more will stay, so never fear!)



The first entry I deleted - oh, it practically killed me. My baby! It was the young heartbroken me pouring my soul out onto this blog, not knowing if anyone would listen or care, knowing only that it made me feel better to *eviscerate* the man who had eviscerated moi. (Revenge. It's so sweet, isn't it?)



After the first one, it got easier. Not only did I delete him, I deleted her. Oh yes, my catty rants -- all gone! It will all be in the book - of course (heh heh) - but for now the L. twins have made their shuffling departure from Breakup Babe. Bah-bye. Sniff.



In other news, what else can I tell you about the Great Publishing Journey? OK - here's a tip. Do you want to get published?



Write every day.



You've heard that one before, I know. But it takes a long time to sink in. In my long and not-so-storied writing career, it wasn't until a year ago, when I did Nanowrimo that I got into the habit of writing every. single. day. I had to, to get that damn book done in a month.



I'd been relatively disciplined before. Writing a few times a week. But writing every day was a whole new thing. It got into my blood. It became a habit. I couldn't live without it. And I got shit DONE. Oh sure, I didn't excercise quite as much (though I did manage to slip a little climb up Mt. Rainier in there, thank you very much), or get to work at the crack of dawn, but mostly everything fell into place because I was doing the one thing I wanted to do most, and I was doing it every day.



Even this description makes it sound too easy. It took me years to GET to the point where I had the confidence to write at all. I spent many post-college years mooning about, wishing I were writing and not doing a damn thing about it.



More on how I got that confidence later. Hey - that was the subject of my first book - which is NEVER gonna get sold!



Oh, that's another tip: write that first-never-to-be-published book and get it out of the way.



(Hey, that sounds bleak. I didn't mean it to. Encouragement will be forthcoming, I swear.)



xo

BB

OK, so that's the way it's gonna be, huh? I've been instructed by several bossy new fans that I must now write every day.



I can try, but I can't promise. I have a book to write, after all! And very little time to write it in, lest you forget.



Also, it is a sad fact but true that my sex life is temporarily off-limits to the blog. YAWN! Same old blogger story; everyone finding the blog, etc etc. Given all that, I'm sure there are a few things we can chat about, like this:



The time is approaching when I'm going to have to scrub my archives. Yes! Read them while you can! Tales of lust and deceit, hope and despair!



Because it seems I might be going public soon and well...I won't say more. Insults have been made that need to be retracted - for the time being, anyway.



(My GOD, you're saying, could she get any more boring? No sex! No bitchiness! What next? Is she going to tell us she's gone into service for our Heavenly Father?)



So any day now you'll be seeing a family-friendly BB. But don't worry, those archives aren't going to disappear for good.



One more thing, all you lovely people out there who've sent me e-mail congratulating me etc - thank you! I do appreciate it and will try to answer your e-mail one of these days.



(Note: Any of you Seattleites out there who can recommend good places to go hang out, eat, and drink coffee with a laptop for hours on end, do let me know. I have a few faves, but am always looking for more. Wireless access not a necessity. After all, the Internet is sooo distracting!)