Dear Breakup Babe I'm a man in my mid-20s, and I'm finally figuring out who I am. I've been on lots of dates, but haven't found any sparks, I'm alright with that. When the time is right things will work out. In the interim, I was wondering if you could publish a list of things that men should or shouldn't do to maximize the fun (not necessarily the likelihood of getting laid) on a date.
Sweet Chuck

Dear Sweet Chuck,
I’m so glad you asked! I’m sure plenty of readers will want to weigh in on this one. (Oh, and we girls appreciate the parenthetical insertion of "not necessarily the likelihood of getting laid" – although hey, I’d be happy to answer that one too). If you want to "maximize the fun" - it all comes down to one thing, and that's planning.

Of course, no no amount of date-planning on anyone’s part can substitute for actual sparkiness. If your dynamic is sparky, you're going to have fun no matter what. If not, even the sexiest date is doomed to fail. But all this doesn’t mean that a guy can’t do a few things to spark things up and score a few points (and who knows what else) by planning a kickass date.

It was our friend Virginia Belle who advised men (in her post of January 20) to be the “Man with the Plan.” A girl likes it when a guy puts thought into a date and presents an idea:“What do you think if we go to X restaurant, then walk over to Y club to see Breakup Babe’s band play? That Breakup Babe is so hot!” We (OK I) like it occasionally when I don’t even need to contribute to the plan, or better yet, when it’s a surprise. Make a reservation somewhere and don’t tell me where it is. Exciting! Take me on a trip somewhere and don’t tell me where it is! (All right, maybe that's a bit advanced but you get the picture).

Also, a guypal of mine who is oh-so-successful with the ladies makes this contribution about how to plan a date: "A guy needs to think of dates where there can be interaction between him and his date - so noisy bars or movies aren't good cause you can't talk, flirt, etc. So something that has a physical element to it is good, even if it's just walking from painting to painting at a museum or bowling, dancing, or pool."

This is not to say a girl can't plan dates too. She can - and should! But if you really want to make a first impression, plan a thoughtful first date and you're well on your way to happy-ever-after or at least happy-for-a-month-or-two until someone turns out to be 1)psycho 2)still sleeping with their ex-girlfriend /boyfriend 3)otherwise emotionally unavailable, etc.

A few other first-date quick tips
Do try to kiss me on the first date if you like me; Do pay on our first time out (unless I asked you out in which case I'm happy to foot the bill!) Do tell me you want to see me again (if you do). Do call or e-mail me the next day and don't listen to whatever stupid "rule" it is that guys have about waiting three days or a week. Self-confidence is much sexier than playing it "cool."

My outspoken readers no doubt have something to say about this so I'll pass the torch to them. Good luck Sweet Chuck!

Well the latest news bulletin is that publication of my book got pushed back a month. It will now be available May 30 instead of April 25. But don't despair! This just means you'll have something to read on the beach, 'cause let's face it, "Breakup Babe" is going to be the beach read of 2006!

And damn it, I'm proud of that. Which is not to say my little oeuvre is complete fluff. No, it is not. It is just smart enough that you might not want to imbibe too many margaritas while reading it but not so heavy that anyone is going to be writing a PhD thesis on it anytime soon. (Although you never know about that kind of thing. I wrote many a paper in grad school on more unlikely things; the preponderance of evil twins in soap operas, for example, or the sociological implications of vibrating dildos).

Meanwhile, the broken-hearted letters are pouring in. Most of them follow the lines of: Love HURTS how can I make in not HURT and the answer, of course, is you CAN'T so SUCK IT UP SISTER/BROTHER, but of course I'll try to answer more articulately - and kindly - than that.

xo
BB

OK I've finally admitted this to myself and it's time to admit it to you:

There is going to be no dating advice column this week.

I'm sorry! I know I've let you down! My God, I've let myself down. But you know, vacation yadda yadda, work yadda yadda, book yadda yadda, all kinds of other stuff yadda yadda. But next week we'll be back on track! I promise!

In other news, I purchase my tickets for the big "P" today. Yes, I am officially South America bound on February 25.

Whoohoo!

In other other news, I've been hanging out with this really sweet, sexy, smart guy lately.

Oh crap, that just slipped out. Ignore it, please.

More soon,
xo
BB

Apologies for this week's late column. I neglected to mention I would be on vacation until yesterday! Now I am dealing with some book-related madness, but you'll get your dating advice by Thursday!

xo
BB

My life is going strangely well at the moment. Undoubtedly things will all come crashing down (literally) when I fly to f*cking Patagonia next month, which requires about 20 billion hours in the air and small South American aircraft. I will have to pack so much Xanax I won't have room for anything else.

Sometimes I ask myself why I must choose such a difficult vacation? Why, with my fear of flying, must I choose to fly to the southern tip of the world? Why, when I could go sit my a*s on a beach somewhere, must I choose the most logistically daunting option of traveling a world away to some unknown mountains where (although it’s summer), I will undoubtedly get caught in snow and fierce wind and probably fall off a glacier? Ah yes, can you feel the relaxation?


But I figure this is one of the most spectacular places in the world and
I better get down there before I become 1) enfeebled, 2)boring and married, or 3)too timid to fling myself to the southern reaches of the world.

Ye olde mighty Geeksoft gave me a month off and for that I am eternally grateful. I hope to “recharge the batteries” as they like to say in the travel biz! Especially because soon after I return, I will become a published author and well – all the fans and the paparazzi are gonna want a piece of me. I’ll have no rest whatsoever.

Ha ha ha.

In this week's advice column, BB pretends to know a thing or two about heartbreak.

Dear Breakup Babe,
I started seeing a guy who was a trusted friend for years about a year and a half after my husband died. Bad timing -- he was in the midst of divorce and of course I was still not over my husband's death.

Anyway, we moved along pretty fast and then his almost-ex accused him of being "as bad as" her and we shut down until after the divorce because he felt so guilty. Now, post-divorce and 3 months later he still feels we were wrong to be together sexually during that time and wants to be casual friends, not dating or seeing each other, and has taken someone else out to dinner a couple of times. He thinks we can't go out without progressing to the sex.

I can't find the words for this pain. What now?
Lost

Dear Lost,
Pain sucks. Not only are you dealing with the pain of being rejected by this confused dude, you are still dealing with grief from your husband’s death. The problem with grief is that it hurts so bad we sometimes do stupid things make it go away, like date alkies and druggies and divorcees and lunatics, which in the end, of course, only makes the pain worse.

So, how to deal with the pain in a healthy manner? I have a question for you: (Tom Cruise will smite me down for this, but f*ck him.) Have you thought of antidepressants? They completely RULE. Now mind you, they don’t make the pain go away – they just turn it from a pounding jackhammer into a distant drone so that so you can get on with the business of making yourself even *better* and *hotter* and *more successful* than ever before! (Sheesh. I should get Celexa to be a corporate sponsor for Breakup Babe’s international book tour!) Of course, antidepressants go hand-in-hand with therapy – which I also highly recommend.

In any case, it also helps to remind yourself that pain is not forever. We, as adults, know that. Even if we forget it sometimes, because we are in such excruciating pain that we feel we can’t bear it, we know that we can bear it and we will bear it, and it will get better – with time. But there is no way around it – pain just has to be gotten through. For the worst moments, when time slows to a stop, and all you can do is think about how bad you hurt, try thinking to yourself: “This is one more second of pain I won’t have to live through later.” “This is one more minute of pain I won’t have to live through later.” Sooner rather than later, time won't weigh on you so brutally - but when it does, this technique is *BB-proven-and-tested!

Meanwhile, also know that grief can be one of life’s greatest catalysts, which is something I learned not so long ago. Right now, of course, you are down in the dumps and not expected to be out there conquering the world. But when the pain becomes more manageable, through drugs or therapy or time, or whatever - it can also become a powerful force for change. Hell, if I hadn’t gotten my damn heart smashed to bits three and a half years ago, I wouldn’t be the almost-rich-and-famous-novelist I am today! Instead I’d be probably be unhappily married and f*cking the gardener (hmm, that part might not be so bad) and wondering when in the world I was ever going to write my novel but feeling too frightened by the disaster of my impending and inevitable divorce to do anything about it.

So, Lost, right now, the answer for you is learning to manage the pain. Soon enough you’ll find out what it can do for you and what doors it will open. One day again you’ll be on top of the world. Oh, it won’t last of course, but nothing does. But that goes for pain too.

Good luck,
BB

Darlings,
This week's dating advice column will be ONE DAY LATE due to the, um, holiday. Yeah, that's it - the holiday. Tune in tomorrow for more of my brilliant insights into YOUR dating problems!

Love,
BB

Hello little Breakup Babies. Here are some news items for you:

*The cover of my book is now displayed on Amazon! Doesn't it make you want to preorder that book NOW! I mean, c'mon, there's bound to be a Harry Potter-like mad rush come publication date and you wouldn't want to end up empty-handed would you? What will you read when you go to the beach next summer if not Breakup Babe the novel?!!

*I am not blogging about my love life ever again. Yes I have been saying I'm going to stop for ages, and then not actually doing it. Sure I don't dish as much as I once did but I still manage to get in plenty of references to ye olde love life. I know I'm already disappointing some of you, and I'm sure I will probably disappoint you even more to know that I'm ACTUALLY going to stop this time.

*See here, the problem is, that I, Breakup Babe, am still looking for love. And while I do dearly enjoy writing about it all - as I have done ever since I was thirteen years old and blathered on in my first journal about how cute Mike Robinson looked in his white carpenter pants (not much has changed, obviously)- the time has come for me to get over this addiction.

*Because it is had a negative effect on pretty much every relationship I've been involved in post-blog, and especially post-losing-my-anonymity. (Not that losing my anonymity is a bad thing. I once thought it was loads of fun to write about people without them knowing about it. I still think its loads of fun but I no longer think it's right.)

*And it's hard enough to find a relationship without a big strike against you already. Sure, any guy I date is gonna have to deal with the fact that I wrote a very dishy book that decapitates a few exes (in a nice way, of course). And whatever guy I end up with will be able to handle that, of course. But we don't need the extra liability of a kiss-and-tell blog to weigh down our relationship from the start.

*So what am I gonna write about, you ask?

*That is a good question. There are sooo many things to write about in this world, as my dear friend GalPal #1 has often pointed out to me. And just because I happen to totally kick ass at writing about relationships doesn't mean I can't write about other stuff.

*So we'll just have to see, won't we? I'll keep the dating advice column 'cause it's fun and besides that - well, who knows. Meanwhile, there are plenty of people who will still dish about their love life. God knows I sure love to read that crap. Here's one of my favorites.

*But don't you fear, I'll still be around, dishing about...um...stuff.

*Love always, Breakup Babe

In this week's dating advice column, we explore the cold, hard world of closure and how you go about getting it.

Dear Breakup Babe,
I need advice. I have been dating someone for 2 months and I fell in love, way too fast. The only reason why is because I slept with him way too soon. I wouldn't care that much if I hadn't.

Anyway, I know I need to end it because this guy is no good for me. We are intimate, and then he disappears for days. I know I need to walk away, but at the same time I feel I need closure. So what is best, to talk it out and get closure? Or just disappear and not return any of his phone calls?

Unfortunately he lives and works nearby so I know I will run into him. Argh. I hate feeling so "unresolved".

Fell In Love Too Fast (FILTF)

Dear FILTF,
Oh my darling, we have all been there. I know very well well both the pain you are feeling, as well as the desire for “closure.”

However, much as you want things to be “resolved,” I think you need to resolve them within yourself rather than trying to involve him in this process. I know that when I’ve craved “closure” in the past, it’s really been a secret desire for me to see (insert name of unavailable guy) one last time and give him a final chance to say “But wait – never mind all the evidence to the contrary – I really DO want you! (Beg, beg, grovel, grovel, self-esteem all restored, birds singing, sun shining, O glorious future!).

You already “know” that you need to end it. So I say end it. NOW. It doesn’t mean you have to disappear in the cruel way he does. It means you could write him a letter and tell him why it’s over. It means you could answer the phone next time he calls you and tell him why it’s over. It means next time you could run into him, you could politely tell him get the f*ck out of your life (preferably while looking extremely hot).

The important thing is not the letter-writing or the phone call, though – it’s that you believe it yourself, right now. Just end it: in your heart and in your head. Do something symbolic – like delete that voicemail message of his you’ve been saving on your phone for months or the sweet e-mails he wrote you when he was feeling h*rny.

This is a unilateral decision and the sooner you make it, the sooner you will find a guy who is better for you. Oh sure he has the right to appeal when you hand down your verdict. In fact, it’s likely he will try to woo you back in some fashion, because after all, he’s gotten a good deal up until now.

But don’t take him back unless he swears up and down that he wants a serious relationship (because that’s what you want, right?), and even then you probably shouldn’t take him back. Unless he begs really hard.

I can hardly believe I'm saying this (me!) but there are lots of wonderful boys out there who will seek out intimacy rather than flee from it. They may be hard to find, but you will find one eventually. First, though you need to back yourself out of this dead end at full speed.

Good luck!
BB

In this week's dating advice column, Cindy navigates the eternally troubled waters of staying friends after a breakup.

Dear Breakup Babe,
Hey there!I've always enjoyed reading your highly entertaining posts :) [Good job kissing up, Cindy!]

So a lot has happened to me this year. I broke up with someone in February of this year, and I went through a rebound phase where I dated sleazy pond scum boy, and went to study abroad in Barcelona where I met the nicest boyfriend ever on the trip. Unfortunately, NBE and I started dating after the trip, and we only dated a semester because he had to graduate from school, to work at his father's company in Florida (I live in Georgia which is just inconveniently far away for us to almost never see one another again).

The problem is, this was a circumstantial separation, so, if he didn't have to leave, we'd still be together. After his graduation, we took a 6 day road trip to Texas and broke it off when we drove back to Georgia and he had to drive home to Florida. Before we broke up, he made me promise to stay his best friend forever.

This is our first week separated. He calls me without fail every night, sometimes two or three times, and we talk long into the night. My friends tell me that he's still hung up over me, because no guy calls every night unless he still thinks he has a chance (which he doesn't).

He still says things like "I miss you terribly" and ends conversations with "love you". I've already emotionally disengaged myself for the most part, I think, I'm ready to be back on the market for next semester, and I think I'm just keeping my 'best friend' promise by continuing to talk to him every night. Is this the right and proper thing to do? Because I certainly didn't talk to my ex bf's on a daily basis after I broke up with them.
Sincerely,
Ambivalent Cindy

Dear Cindy,
I would agree with your assessment that NBE is still “hung up” on you. But I would disagree, on the other hand, with your statement that you are “emotionally disengaged.” Girls who are emotionally disengaged do not talk “long into the night” every night – even with their best friends forever! (Heck, I get 10 minutes every other day tops with GalPal #1 and GalPal #2 won't even talk to me on the phone!).

So either you are still hung up on him, or you are enjoying the power you have over him. It all amounts to the same thing: neither of you have “disengaged.”

But what are ya gonna do? When you break up, you grieve, and the first step in grieving is denial. Lots of people never make it through that stage of the grieving process, which is why they get back together (and then break up again). So, to answer your question as to what is the the “right and proper” thing to do here: if what you really want to do is move on, than yes, you need to wean yourself from these long, drawn-out conversations that end in declarations of love.

The bottom line is it’s nearly impossible to transition immediately from a romantic relationship into a close friendship. If a friendship is truly going to rise from the ashes of a relationship, you need to step back and let the embers of romance die out. Otherwise, one person is going to suddenly pull back from this pseudo-relationship when they meet someone else, and the other person is going to get burned.

OK, that was not the world’s most original metaphor. My brain has been dulled by too much fattening food and alcohol. But you get the picture, right Cindy? Talk to NBE about why you think these conversations are counterproductive. The more proactive you are now, the better chance you have of saving your friendship later. Easier said than done, but what isn't?

Good luck,
BB