My love life has a been a bit, um, frustrating lately. Promising yet frustrating due to various factors outside my control. My patience is being tried. And remember - I don't have any patience!

But I'm trying to cultivate some. Impatience has caused me to make many a mistake in the past so I'm trying to channel my frustration into productive pursuits.

Like shopping.

In the last couple weeks, I've bought:

-a sexy orange dress (that got a hole in it on first wearing)
-a pair of brown textured tights (that got two runs in it on first wearing)
-a pair of tall, high-heeled brown boots that are really not that comfortable, but hey they were cheap
-a sexy backless, cleavage-baring dress that ate up half entire bonus. OK, only a quarter of it.
-a pair of "Spanxx" (special, girdle-like underwear for no panty lines and extra control) that ate another tenth of my bonus and goes up my b*tt crack
-a sexy pink nightgown (no damage yet but then again I haven't been getting much action)
-two pairs of sexy underwear on sale, one of which also goes up my b*tt crack but at least it was on sale
-a variety of other overpriced hosiery items, including two pairs of knee socks (hard to damage, thank God, but I'll probably lose them soon).

Today I am wearing my new dress with the hole in it and my new tights that have runs in it and that I couldn't seem to put on so that the "textured" part goes in the right direction - i.e. instead of going straight up and down, it is twisted every which way - along with my old scuffed boots because my new ones are really not comfortable enough for a Sunday schlumpfing around town in the rain.

You know, back to the whole s*x thing (and you weren't even aware we were talking about s*x were you ?), it's almost worse to have the promise of it, then to just have none of it whatsoever, you know what I mean?

ANYWAY. According to my horoscope, I'm an unstoppable force this month:

This month you'll have so many admirers, it will be crazy! If you could bottle your brand of charisma now, you'd be a millionaire! .. Single or attached, you'll soon feel adored and pampered.

Yeah, uh-uh. We'll see about that. At least I'm dressed for it, holes and runs and misbehaving underwear aside.