Darlings,
I was busy composing my farewell post today when the orders came from People Who Matter.

Do Not Retire Breakup Babe. Yet.

Apparently, the news of my death has been greatly exaggerated. Our lovelorn purple darling is still on the road to retirement, but I guess it's not happening today. Lucky us! (And just remember, when I *do* go away, I will not abandon you but take you with me somewhere new. Somewhere better! Somewhere the men are hot and intellectual and adventurous and want to settle down!)

Meanwhile, my writing powers seem to be in full force. But my charisma is at an all-time low. My friends have been doing their best to fix me up with anyone single, but here are just a couple of excuses I've gotten lately:

• I'm too busy having a meaningless fling with a 23-year old
• I'm not allowed to date at this point in my 12-step program
• I can't get a pass out of the home for the weekend

Etc etc.

But whatever. Someday I will find someone who says, "You are the smartest, funniest, most beautiful, adventurous, amazing person in the world and I cannot believe no one has snapped you up before this!" (here I must, however, offer a word of thanks to BB's Greatest Fan for telling me this on a regular, though not frighteningly stalkerish, basis).

So what does that mean exactly? That I get to break up a few more times? Well, one might imagine so, but since it looks unlikely I'll ever find anyone to date again, perhaps not.

Of course, I could always go online. I always do go online! But I do it out of boredom and fear and loneliness. Like, oh my God I haven't had a date in two weeks, bam, refresh ad, find boys to date, date them for two months, breakup. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Well this time, I'm just going to gut out this period of post-breakup relationship despair without rushing to the Internet for a quick fix that doesn't fix anything. It's just one little thing I can do to try to break my destructive patterns.

Meanwhile, I'll be working on that farewell post. It'll be a real tear-jerker.