The Not Quite Right Report for Saturday, May 17



What is not quite right in the world of Breakup Babe today, I’m sure you’re wondering to yourself. I mean, her life is so glamorous most of the time. Full of soirees, liaisons, intrigue. Does anything ever go wrong for her?



Lest you feel intimidated by my razzle-dazzle existence, I thought I’d share just a few things that are not quite right today.



Me

Drugged up, sleep-deprived, hung-over, crushed out, and suffering from existential despair. Oh, and let’s not forget sex-deprived.



My hangover

It is not a good kind of hangover. Like an “I-got-drunk-and-had-such-a-blast-and-got-it-on-all-night-with-a-cute-boy” kind of hangover (á la two weeks ago). It’s more like, “I-was-sick-to-begin-with-than-stupidly-drank-way-too-much-because-I-wanted-to-tell-Sexy-Blue-Eyed-Boy-about-my-crush-on-him-but-he-was-flirting-with-another-girl-all-night-so-I-just-kept-drinking-and-smoking-p*t kind of hangover.”



The cranberry and vodka drink I spilled all over my sexy new halter top last night while getting pointelessly drunk.

I need to be swaddled head-to-toe in a giant rubber bib.



My crush on SBEB

It won’t go away and he is one of my best friends. Plus, he’s joining the par-tay in New Olreans. Who bets I spill my guts one sultry night under the influence of too many mint juleps while wearing a cranberry and vodka-stained halter top?



Alt.Country Boy (ACB)

Who? Oh, that guy with the hearbreaking hazel eyes, who promised to call me this week and DIDN’T? He's been relegated to Acronym Hell, forced to spend the rest of eternity with other assorted rejects like SBDB, HLB, SB, CEB, MMB, and CTB.



My final karaoke number last night

I strayed from the tried-and-true Bette Midler and Blondie and attempted Rod Stewart. And this was right after SBEB’s stellar spoken-word performance of “Papa Don’t Preach” that brought the house down. Bad move.



The fact that I have to get on an airplane in three days

Love to travel, hate to fly. I'm going to die, I know it. Luckily for me, there exists the happiest palindrome in the world, Xanax. And lest some of you worry that I’m becoming a doped up drug fiend, you’re right. Please worry.



My writing

The new antidepressants are messing with my edge, man.



There's just one drug I want and I don't have it.

Love. Anyone know where I can get some? The real kind?