I wish I had something exciting to tell you. Like they finally decided who is going to star in “Breakup Babe in the City”* (not to be confused with “Babe, Pig in the City.”)



Well. Let’s not even go there except to say that Sarah Michelle Gellar was fighting tooth and nail to get the role of Breakup Babe but then some sh*it went down at the studio and now the whole project got downgraded to some TV-Movie-of-the Week-type deal. So now, if I’m lucky, Winona Ryder might play me, but more likely it’ll be some TV star of days gone past who’s trying to make a comeback after rehab like Mackenzie Phillips or Danny Bonaducci.



Anyway. Next on the agenda. Boy news. What other kind of news is there? Cause we all know I’m not about to become Jesus’ little handmaiden** (as was suggested a couple weeks ago) and start helping the homeless or befriending the elderly.



Or, if my conscience does finally kick into gear and I decide to do something good for the world rather than pursue good-for-nothing boys and spend my not-so-hard-earned dollars on slinky outfits, don’t worry, I WON’T WRITE ABOUT IT.



Now. Boy news. I have no new diseases. I’m not pregnant. I’m not married. I’m not infinitesimally close to being married. I am not getting any younger And I have not had s*x in a month. A month! There! Are you happy?!



What? You want details? OK, FINE. You wanna be bored to tears with my (lack of ) sex life? FINE. Whaddya wanna know, you tell me?



YOU: Did you kiss any boys this week, BB?

ME: But of course! Just because I’m not doing IT, doesn’t mean I’m not doing anything, ya know..

YOU: Who'd you kiss??

ME: The L’il Rockclimbing Spy.

YOU: Oooh, he’s too young for you!

ME: Whatever.

YOU: Did you do the nasty?

ME: NO! How many times do I have to tell you that?! Besides, I told him he had to break up w/that 23-year old chick he’s seeing before I’d put out.

YOU: Oooh, is he gonna do it?

ME: Maybe.

YOU: You like him, dontchya? Even though is he waaayyy to young for you! You like him you like him! Hahaha!

ME: No comment.

YOU: All right, fine. So what’s up with Pierced Political Boy in L.A.?

ME: Well we talked on the phone the other day and had a good conversation. And we’re going to see each other in a month.

YOU: That is SO exciting! I’m-I’m–hyperventilating—

ME: Shut up. I told you my news was boring.

YOU: I mean, don’t you even have phone sex with him?

ME: NO! mean, no comment.

YOU: Jeez. T-O-U-C-H-Y. So, I heard you had a crush on a friend of yours. Someone with really sexy blue eyes?

ME: SShhhh!

YOU: What?

ME: I’m embarrassed, OK!

YOU: Why?!

ME: I don’t think he knows I have a crush on him, and I don’t know what to do about it, and--

YOU: Wait. Hold on. You “don’t know what to do about it?” Gimme a f*cking break.

ME: I know, but–maybe it’s just because I’m lonely. I mean, he's really young and --

YOU: Ha. As if young is ever an issue for YOU. Moving on, because we don’t want to hear more about that until you DO something about it, are there any other guys in the picture for BB?

ME: Well, I’m corresponding with an online personals guy in Portland.

YOU: Yawn. I mean, uh, cool. Gonna go down there and get you some hoochie?

ME: NO! God, your obsession with s*x is really getting on my nerves. My blind date in Portland with PPB was so hot that no other blind date in Portland could ever live up to it. But still, this guy wrote me the most charming response to my ad, wanna hear it?

YOU: Uhhh--

ME: "When you decide to move to Portland let me know so that we can begin our courtship, date, become engaged, have children, grow old together, and shop for my hearing aid and your walker." Isn't that sweet?

YOU: That’s fascinating, thanks for sharing.

ME: NO PROBLEM. ANYTIME.



*Thanks for the name, J.

**Thanks for the name, R.