Ah yes, the day of my birth approaches. In two days, I will be 83 years old! And I have to say, people, I look pretty damn good for my age.

Not only that, my first novel will be published by the time I'm 84! Yes I know it's taken me a long time to get here, but it just goes to show: persistence pays off. It's going to be the Worst Book Ever Published, but hell, I'll probably be senile before the first reviews come out so who cares.

Meanwhile, thanks to my youthful good looks, I also have a hot young Friend-that-is-a-Boy who is 48 years younger than me. And whoo man, lemme tell you, that youngster has some stamina. When you're used to dating octegenarians, things get a little out of shape, if you know what I mean!

So let's hope I don't plunge into depression like I usually do this time of year. Even without my panopoly of pharmaceuticals, I got stuff to keep me happy despite my advancing age.

Let's not forget about tequila either. Which I plan on consuming tonight! In a slinky dress! At a party chez moi! 'Cause I might be old but I still know how to party when the occasion demands it.