Here are some things I want to know:



How do so many books get written? The shelves at Barnes & Noble are filled with them! There are new books every day! Thousands of shiny new books! And thousands of someones have to sit down and actually write them, drinking millions of cups of coffee and spending a million hours rewriting the same sentence; pestering their friends to read this and give comments on that; and it takes months - years! - and yet all those books get written.



At the rate I'm writing, however, my book will be on the shelves by 2030. Hope we're all still alive by then to laugh at the spectacle of Breakup Babe with a walker. Might be good for the action figures, though - they could come out with "Nursing Home BB," complete with a portable oxygen tank.



Am I going to find a husband before I weigh 400 pounds? It would seem not, because despite still fitting (barely) into my size 4s, Celexa seems to be exacting its revenge on me. After two years of unrelenting hard work, General C. (as I lovingly personify Celexa in my book), has apparently decided he will unleash the dreaded side effect on me: weight gain.



In a mere two days I gained FIVE pounds despite eating like a bird and exercising to boot (I had a sense he was about to pull this little trick.) At this rate, I will be 400 pounds by fall sometime, so please Good Lord, let me trap someone before then!