SWIM ONLY WHEN LIFEGUARD IS ON DUTY

Recently, a sexy boy (SB) of my acquaintance used what I thought was an apt metaphor to describe relationships. (Note to all men: I am easily impressed by apt metaphors).

He said that physical attraction is the "diving board" that gets you into the "swimming pool" of a relationship. The pool may be empty, but you’re never going to know unless you jump in, and you’re never going to jump in unless you think the other person is, in some way, hot.

Most sane people, after diving into an empty swimming pool, would get the hell out. (The metaphor breaks down here, because you’d be dead after diving into an empty swimming pool, but SB still gets an "A" for effort). There are those of us, however, who, carried away with physical attraction, dive right into that empty swimming pool, and keep “swimming,” sometimes for years, until something forces us to realize that we’re just flopping around on concrete.

And usually the something that forces us (ok, me) to understand the situation is getting dumped. Maybe my, um, goggles are on too tight, or maybe I’m too scared too see the truth because that trusty old biological clock is ticking, but it’s usually le garcon, in recent years, who has to say, hey chicky, let’s get out of this empty pool. (See “Crushdom,” Aug.25, for more information on this phenom).

But now, thanks to the events of this evil summer, I am becoming a more evolved human being. One who will no longer make the sexual frisson into my religion. (It would help if I had a real religion, but oh well). In my evolved state, I will be able to be overwhelmingly attracted to someone, and perhaps not sleep with them, unless I know there is water in that pool. Or, if I do, by accident sleep with them, I will nonetheless be able to stand back and say, well, just because we have hot sex doesn’t mean I’m going to marry him.

I’m not saying this is going to be easy. Au contraire. I’m a hot-blooded girl in my sexual prime! If I didn’t form emotional attachments so easily, and wasn’t such a nice, sweet, wonderful person, I’d be a real predator. As it is, my evolved state will require patience and probably many cold showers. Luckily, this is not a problem as the shower in my apartment is a piece of crap and doesn't heat up for 15 minutes anyway.