Hello little Breakup Babies. Here are some news items for you:

*The cover of my book is now displayed on Amazon! Doesn't it make you want to preorder that book NOW! I mean, c'mon, there's bound to be a Harry Potter-like mad rush come publication date and you wouldn't want to end up empty-handed would you? What will you read when you go to the beach next summer if not Breakup Babe the novel?!!

*I am not blogging about my love life ever again. Yes I have been saying I'm going to stop for ages, and then not actually doing it. Sure I don't dish as much as I once did but I still manage to get in plenty of references to ye olde love life. I know I'm already disappointing some of you, and I'm sure I will probably disappoint you even more to know that I'm ACTUALLY going to stop this time.

*See here, the problem is, that I, Breakup Babe, am still looking for love. And while I do dearly enjoy writing about it all - as I have done ever since I was thirteen years old and blathered on in my first journal about how cute Mike Robinson looked in his white carpenter pants (not much has changed, obviously)- the time has come for me to get over this addiction.

*Because it is had a negative effect on pretty much every relationship I've been involved in post-blog, and especially post-losing-my-anonymity. (Not that losing my anonymity is a bad thing. I once thought it was loads of fun to write about people without them knowing about it. I still think its loads of fun but I no longer think it's right.)

*And it's hard enough to find a relationship without a big strike against you already. Sure, any guy I date is gonna have to deal with the fact that I wrote a very dishy book that decapitates a few exes (in a nice way, of course). And whatever guy I end up with will be able to handle that, of course. But we don't need the extra liability of a kiss-and-tell blog to weigh down our relationship from the start.

*So what am I gonna write about, you ask?

*That is a good question. There are sooo many things to write about in this world, as my dear friend GalPal #1 has often pointed out to me. And just because I happen to totally kick ass at writing about relationships doesn't mean I can't write about other stuff.

*So we'll just have to see, won't we? I'll keep the dating advice column 'cause it's fun and besides that - well, who knows. Meanwhile, there are plenty of people who will still dish about their love life. God knows I sure love to read that crap. Here's one of my favorites.

*But don't you fear, I'll still be around, dishing about...um...stuff.

*Love always, Breakup Babe

In this week's dating advice column, we explore the cold, hard world of closure and how you go about getting it.

Dear Breakup Babe,
I need advice. I have been dating someone for 2 months and I fell in love, way too fast. The only reason why is because I slept with him way too soon. I wouldn't care that much if I hadn't.

Anyway, I know I need to end it because this guy is no good for me. We are intimate, and then he disappears for days. I know I need to walk away, but at the same time I feel I need closure. So what is best, to talk it out and get closure? Or just disappear and not return any of his phone calls?

Unfortunately he lives and works nearby so I know I will run into him. Argh. I hate feeling so "unresolved".

Fell In Love Too Fast (FILTF)

Dear FILTF,
Oh my darling, we have all been there. I know very well well both the pain you are feeling, as well as the desire for “closure.”

However, much as you want things to be “resolved,” I think you need to resolve them within yourself rather than trying to involve him in this process. I know that when I’ve craved “closure” in the past, it’s really been a secret desire for me to see (insert name of unavailable guy) one last time and give him a final chance to say “But wait – never mind all the evidence to the contrary – I really DO want you! (Beg, beg, grovel, grovel, self-esteem all restored, birds singing, sun shining, O glorious future!).

You already “know” that you need to end it. So I say end it. NOW. It doesn’t mean you have to disappear in the cruel way he does. It means you could write him a letter and tell him why it’s over. It means you could answer the phone next time he calls you and tell him why it’s over. It means next time you could run into him, you could politely tell him get the f*ck out of your life (preferably while looking extremely hot).

The important thing is not the letter-writing or the phone call, though – it’s that you believe it yourself, right now. Just end it: in your heart and in your head. Do something symbolic – like delete that voicemail message of his you’ve been saving on your phone for months or the sweet e-mails he wrote you when he was feeling h*rny.

This is a unilateral decision and the sooner you make it, the sooner you will find a guy who is better for you. Oh sure he has the right to appeal when you hand down your verdict. In fact, it’s likely he will try to woo you back in some fashion, because after all, he’s gotten a good deal up until now.

But don’t take him back unless he swears up and down that he wants a serious relationship (because that’s what you want, right?), and even then you probably shouldn’t take him back. Unless he begs really hard.

I can hardly believe I'm saying this (me!) but there are lots of wonderful boys out there who will seek out intimacy rather than flee from it. They may be hard to find, but you will find one eventually. First, though you need to back yourself out of this dead end at full speed.

Good luck!
BB

In this week's dating advice column, Cindy navigates the eternally troubled waters of staying friends after a breakup.

Dear Breakup Babe,
Hey there!I've always enjoyed reading your highly entertaining posts :) [Good job kissing up, Cindy!]

So a lot has happened to me this year. I broke up with someone in February of this year, and I went through a rebound phase where I dated sleazy pond scum boy, and went to study abroad in Barcelona where I met the nicest boyfriend ever on the trip. Unfortunately, NBE and I started dating after the trip, and we only dated a semester because he had to graduate from school, to work at his father's company in Florida (I live in Georgia which is just inconveniently far away for us to almost never see one another again).

The problem is, this was a circumstantial separation, so, if he didn't have to leave, we'd still be together. After his graduation, we took a 6 day road trip to Texas and broke it off when we drove back to Georgia and he had to drive home to Florida. Before we broke up, he made me promise to stay his best friend forever.

This is our first week separated. He calls me without fail every night, sometimes two or three times, and we talk long into the night. My friends tell me that he's still hung up over me, because no guy calls every night unless he still thinks he has a chance (which he doesn't).

He still says things like "I miss you terribly" and ends conversations with "love you". I've already emotionally disengaged myself for the most part, I think, I'm ready to be back on the market for next semester, and I think I'm just keeping my 'best friend' promise by continuing to talk to him every night. Is this the right and proper thing to do? Because I certainly didn't talk to my ex bf's on a daily basis after I broke up with them.
Sincerely,
Ambivalent Cindy

Dear Cindy,
I would agree with your assessment that NBE is still “hung up” on you. But I would disagree, on the other hand, with your statement that you are “emotionally disengaged.” Girls who are emotionally disengaged do not talk “long into the night” every night – even with their best friends forever! (Heck, I get 10 minutes every other day tops with GalPal #1 and GalPal #2 won't even talk to me on the phone!).

So either you are still hung up on him, or you are enjoying the power you have over him. It all amounts to the same thing: neither of you have “disengaged.”

But what are ya gonna do? When you break up, you grieve, and the first step in grieving is denial. Lots of people never make it through that stage of the grieving process, which is why they get back together (and then break up again). So, to answer your question as to what is the the “right and proper” thing to do here: if what you really want to do is move on, than yes, you need to wean yourself from these long, drawn-out conversations that end in declarations of love.

The bottom line is it’s nearly impossible to transition immediately from a romantic relationship into a close friendship. If a friendship is truly going to rise from the ashes of a relationship, you need to step back and let the embers of romance die out. Otherwise, one person is going to suddenly pull back from this pseudo-relationship when they meet someone else, and the other person is going to get burned.

OK, that was not the world’s most original metaphor. My brain has been dulled by too much fattening food and alcohol. But you get the picture, right Cindy? Talk to NBE about why you think these conversations are counterproductive. The more proactive you are now, the better chance you have of saving your friendship later. Easier said than done, but what isn't?

Good luck,
BB

So, Peter asks, what would Trixie do about a guy she has no chemistry with?

Trixie would dump his sorry a*s in a heartbeat, of course, because she is all about excitement and chemistry!

Clearly I have the same issue or I would be long married and saddled with 2.5 screaming kids by now. Only, unlike Trixie, I'm all ambivalent about it and stuff. I want the excitement of a gazillion flings and endless possiblity yet I want the security of knowing someone is there for me, and will change my diapers when I get too old to change them myself.

Which desire is controlling me? HMM. I WONDER. Well, I have a little while to get my act together because according to our insightful friend Mr. Helpful, Breakup Babe has "at least ten good years left before she finally sinks into a desperate swamp of unrealized dreams and poisonous desire. "

MEANWHILE. A miracle has occurred at BB World Headquarters. I have a date for New Year's Eve! Never mind who, exactly, because we all know I don't talk about that kind of thing anymore. Let's just say he's got brains and beauty and serious stud appeal all wrapped into one 6'2" package. And he's a nice guy on top of that. Now. Moving on...

SAD NEWS. OK I know some of you have been wondering: whatever happened to Dangerously Delightful Boy? I haven't spoken of this up until now because...well, it's been difficult.

But the fact is, he recently drowned in a mysterious accident in Lake Washington. The cause of his drowning is not really known but officials suspect that DDB, who was out for a bracing morning swim, suddenly sunk due to the weight of all his emotional baggage.

Said Detective John Arnold, of the Seattle Police Department, "DDB really was trying to move on with his life and get to a better place. Unfortunately, he was stuck in a Groundhog Day sort of situation and even the abundant charms of BB weren't enough to lure him out of it. Too bad too, 'cause she really liked that guy despite his multiple red flags." Well, he's out of it now and we hope he's gone to a better place. RIP DDB.

That's all the news that's fit to print for now. Happy New Year's my little darlings.

xo
BB

He's a Nice Guy, But...

In today's weekly dating advice column, "Wondering" wonders how long to wait to see if chemistry kicks in.

Hi there - I am one of your long term fans - 29 years old, female. So I finally broke down and tried online dating for the first time. On the site I met this guy who is really great and very compatible with me in many ways. He is smart, successful, very kind, generous, multi-dimensional, well-traveled, and has a good sense of humor! And he really wants to get married and have kids!!!

Problem is, I am not sure I am attracted enough to him. When I first saw him my immediate gut reaction was that, while he was fine, I was not attracted to him, but then he was such a nice and interesting guy that I kept on dating him thinking maybe those feelings would evolve.

I have been out with him about 5 times now. We have kissed which was fine, but not "magical" for me in any way. He is not an unattractive guy, and I suspect that his body may actually be rather nice, but I don't know -- I just don't find myself looking at him and thinking "Oh he is so cute".. I feel really badly abut it and I am disappointed because he is so great; if only I could just get into the physical side of things!!

I mean, the man has already invited me to travel with him to schmooze with Nelson Mandela in Africa and skiing in Colorado, etc. (for real - I am not kidding). How long can I keep trying before I know for sure that I am just never going to 'feel it'? He is a good guy and I want to be fair to him...Should I just try hooking up with him and see how it goes? Or will that just make things worse?
-Wondering

Dear Wondering,
This is a tough one. I have polled a few (male) friends of mine to see what their advice would be, and they have said, without hesitation, "Dump him. Chemistry is too important, blah blah." (Men! Always thinking about s*x!)

I agree that chemistry is important. However, chemistry is not always instantaneous. In three out of the four long-term relationships I've had, I was friends with the guy for a good couple months before I really fell for them - and then when I did fall, I fell hard.

But if I had met them under some high-pressure dating situation - oh, let's say ONLINE DATING for example - where you're on a mission to meet THE guy, and you've got candidates waiting in line I would probably have dismissed them and missed out on a lot of great experiences. (Including getting cheated on and lied to but never mind about that 'cause I got a novel out of it!)

So. That said, how do you handle this situation? What I would probably do (and what I have done in similar situations) is to tell him how you feel, and ask him if you could try being friends to see if chemistry develops.

He might just tell you to f*ck off, because after all, men get sick of the "friends" line (who can blame them?), and there are plenty of other babes on the Internet to choose from. To be honest, when I have tried this backing-off tactic myself (not coincidentally, with people I've met online), it hasn't worked out romantically.

The upside of Internet dating is that there is a cornucopia of men out there just waiting to meet you. The downside is most of them are wrong for you.

So I say don't force it with this buy. Be honest with him and see what happens. It could be he splits. It could be that you become the best of friends and you get to schmooze with Nelson Mandela anyway. It could be that he's the love of your life but the relationship needs room to grow. That's what I'm hoping anyway.

Good luck,
BB

Due to the holiday, this week's long-awaited dating advice column will be posted TOMORROW (Wednesday) instead of, um, yesterday. Thanks for your patience and meanwhile send me your dating questions at breakupbabe@msn.com. Answering them will give me something to do on New Year's Eve as I have NOT BEEN INVITED TO ANY PARTIES!

xo
BB

All right, time to stop pussyfooting around. I gotta get started with a new book. I already have three partially-written books to choose from!

It’s just that once you lose momentum on a project, it’s hard to get it back. Especially when it sucks, as all first drafts inevitably do. So I’ve got two partially written Nanowrimo drafts – this years and last’s – both of which I had to put down because of my little darling novel. Besides those two, there is my unfinished “first book,” but it’s really like Breakup Babe, the Early Years. I’m thinking we don’t really need a prequel to BB.

So, as you can see, I’m full of excuses. But it’s time to just take one of those ideas – or a brand new one – and just bash out a VERY BAD first draft. Because, the truth is, even though I fully expect to become a bestselling author toute de suite, and for Leonardo diCaprio to invite me to live on his own personal island with him to help him get over Gisele - even if I never have to toil in the innards of Geeksoft again – the sad fact is that if I’m not writing, I won’t be happy. Even with Leonardo and all our combined millions.

Now there are things to write other than books, it’s true. I’d also like to become a writer for glossy magazines, jetting off on assignment to Tahiti or the Yukon whenever I feel like it. I’m working on that. But I think I thrive on the sort of sustained creative effort it takes to write a book and I think that by the end of next month, I need to have a VERY BADLY WRITTEN FIRST DRAFT of something. Anything.

I also thrive on love, just like every other damn person on the planet, and – despite some run-of-the-mill “issues” – am actually pretty lovable! Yet love eludes me, time after time. These days I have a new song to sing in the band – a Maria McKee song (recently covered by the Dixie Chicks) – that I get to belt out very melodramatically. It starts out like this and continues in the same self-pitying vein:

There is no good reason I should have to feel so alone
I’m smothered by this emptiness, Lord I wish I was made of stone…

Blah blah blah

Another night surROUNDS me, And it POUNDS me like a wave
God HELP me, am I the only one who’s EVER felt this way!

At which point I fall down on stage and put a knife through my heart. Now I’m no Natalie Maines but she’s all happily married and stuff now. I think I bring a little more feeling to the song, if not quite the same vocal styling.

In still more non-love-news, what do you know but the object of all those slo-mo dreams unexpectedly extends an offer to spend more time with me. Gulp. Though I can still say there is only a 96.8% chance we will never have a lasting relationship, I now rate my chance of throwing myself at him in a fit of love-starved passion as about 39%.

But enough of me and my self-pity. It’s time to check in with Trixie and see what she’s got on deck for this holiday weekend, during which I, Breakup Babe, am ORPHANED and SAD.

BB: Trixie, what’s the latest in love?

Trixie: (Impatiently). What’s love got to do with it? You know I’ve given up on love for a while and am all about s*x.

BB: Really? I wish I could be that way! I mean, I used to sleep around a lot but now I don’t even sleep with someone until I know the relationship is going somewhere, which means, well –

Trixie: Yes, BB, we know what that means. Why don’t you give yourself a little break this holiday season? You know, take a “vacation from implication” and just f*ck some hot guy. (Takes a sip of her Cosmo and looks at BB with clear and sparkling eyes. She looks suspiciously fresh for getting only four hours of sleep last night.). I mean, no wonder you’re so uptight.

BB: Well…like who?

Trixie: Oh, you know, what about that hot stunt pilot you’re about to go on a date with? I mean, the stuff he does is so f*cking dangerous he’ll be dead soon anyway; you don’t really have time to wait around, if you know what I mean.

BB: (Shocked. Then thoughtful.). Hmm. Well – I don’t – I mean -

Trixie: (Drains her drink and stands up. All heads swivel at the sight of her long legs encased in the clingiest corduroy.). Listen chick, I gotta go get a bikini wax. Think about it anyway, OK? You’re looking a little – I dunno – tense.

BB: (Feeling a bit self-conscious in her baggy-at-the-butt jeans, wondering if she too, should get a biking wax.). OK, I’ll think about it. See ya. (Trixie breezes out of the bar without a care in the world, leaving BB behind, even more loaded down with worry than she was before).

But never fear, my darlings, with the help of alcohol, I shall survive this holiday season! May your own holidays be full of presents.

Toodles,
BB